Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
