Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
