my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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