well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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