Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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