awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
