Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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