swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
