we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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