My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
They took my balls.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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