I wish I could teleport
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
