Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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