The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
