she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
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