a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
