So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
