Pregnant stripper...not hot.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
