On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
