When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Girls should come with a carfax report
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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