DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
