So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
