stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
