Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
