You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
