You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I cannot find my penis.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
