I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
