I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
