I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
