I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
