u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
