I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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