Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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