I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
