dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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