I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
