i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
