WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
