good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize