apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You have to summon your inner elephant
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
