im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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