I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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