I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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