That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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