If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
