She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
