so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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