the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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