My girlfriend figured out who you are.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
