I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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