Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
