Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
