A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
