It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
