Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
