I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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