So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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