Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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