college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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