Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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